I pissed on a cat today.
It was an accident, mind you! I didn't, like, wait there behind the curtains, waiting for it to stop moving.. luring it with a little catnip mouse or something... it stops to sniff the mouse and I just jump out and piss on its face. I'm saying I didn't do that, so calm down.
No, we're trying to introduce a new cat into an old cat's environment, and there's this whole process you have to go through to do it right otherwise there's problems like fighting, pissing all over the place, and catfights in the wee hours of the morning. Basically it's like Bourbon Street with less security. We don't want that to happen, so we've sequestered the new cat in the bathroom for a few days as part of the introduction process. Now, this new cat is a big ol' fat n' suishy, orange, fluffy, Garfield-type cat who is used to lots of love and affection, so this means every time you go into the bathroom at my house now there's this adorable orange puffball just rubbing against your legs, purring, like "Pet me, pet me!" And we all like the cat, so we do, we give him lovins and pets and he purrs and loves it, but earlier today I REALLY had to pee. I spent the morning drinking coffee and water and ranting at people online, so I had an incredible amount of pee stored up at this time. I felt there should've been a little Scottish starfleet engineer down by my bladder shouting "We can't hold it captain! She's about to blooo!" So when it got to the point where I could no longer hold it and I sprinted for the bathroom, first of all, I wasn't even thinking about the cat, so when I ran in and he started doing little figure eights around my legs all cute like, he kinda got caught between them like a thrown axle between spokes on a wheel, and because I was going so fast, he kinda got, well, flung through the air and into the bath tub like a frisbee.. I mean, he's a big ol' tubby cat, so he bounced, he wasn't injured, he just went zinging through, bounced off the tile like a half-full water balloon, landed on his feet (because that's what cats do), and gave me a look like "What the fuck, dude?" I didn't really have time to care though, I just had to go! So I take everything out and begin to pee the pee of a thousand lifetimes. It was a pee so good it gave me visions of a glorious and bright future where all of humanity joins hands in the bonds of peace and love and togetherness. All that is good and right and true in the world comes flowing through me as I empty the Atlantic ocean out my pee hole. I guess the cat must have felt the good vibes and thought "I'll forgive you if you pet me right now," because he climbed up on the edge of the tub, put his front paws on the edge of the toilet bowl, and before I could put an arm out, say no, yes, or boo-diddley, he steps right across the bowl, and right into the path of my pee stream. It was terrible. I couldn't stop, either, because there was just soooo much pee. I couldn't pee somewhere else because, what, pee on the floor? Pee in the tub? I'll get it on the floor! Plus he's a big cat so he covers the entire bowl pretty much, so the only thing I could do was pee on him and sort of do a bank shot into the bowl. Oh, it was awful. The poor cat was so starved for affection at this point too, he was loving it! He was all leaning into the stream, purring, you know... like someone who put their shower on the massage setting, just "Aaaaaaahhhhh....."
I tried giving him a bath afterwards. That went poorly. The fur kept sticking to my tongue, and it tasted like piss.
*Now that you've read all that, I'm just going to point out that this is fictional. So Holly, should you read this, don't worry, Noah has has no pee touch his fur that I know of.
- Women be shoppin'.