In my room, my desk is the main surface area. It's where I put my keys and charge my phone, do what little paperwork I actually acknowledge, my computer is on there, I eat on this little pull-out part.. basically all my horizontal surface-based needs are served by this thing, including toiletries. What stands out the most though is, because I live in Colorado, a dry climate, I have a massive bottle of Vaseline Intensive Care Cocoa Radiant lotion right next to my computer. It's just the most logical place for it! It's right by the deodorant, it's in easy arm's reach from where I towel off after a shower and get dressed, but right next to my computer, just about as far away from me as the mouse is.. I don't want people getting the wrong idea or anything. I don't sit there masturbating with the lotion. Why waste the lotion? When I sit there masturbating, I do it rough. Like a real man! I've got rough hands, too, so it's kinda like rubbing your willy with fine-grit sandpaper. Oh sure, you groan and cross your legs now, but I will bet you dollars to donuts that the skin on your delicate nethers isn't near as smooth or as tough as mine. It's like teflon. Bullets and eggs and stuff just ping right off. It's kind of amazing, really. I'm currently being contracted my the military because of it. What? I'm serious. They want to do tests and try and figure out how to replicate my penile skin in a laboratory so that they can make body armor out of it. Initial tests are promising. The only problem is when the armor gets wet it shrivels like a dried-out slim jim, crushing the test dummies like beer cans. I hope they're able to remedy that flaw, though (for more than one reason). Just imagine.. the brave and wonderful men and women of the armed services, fighting for good and freedom in the most dangerous places across the globe, protected by the latest in technological advances.. crafted from my penis. I'm just an honest American, doing his part to help fuck the bad guys just a little bit harder.
And it's all thanks to internet porn. Take that, naysayers!
- What's the deal with airplane food, amirite?