Good lord, but it has been a while, hasn't it?
I've been in a writing mood lately, and although I like posting interesting stuff on Facebook, it's really not designed for extended stretches of writing. Sometimes, sure, I'll write a poetic sentence, expand upon it, revise it, make it more fun to read with playful word selection, and before I know it I have a four-paragraph essay that is bringing tears to the eyes of my loved ones when all I meant to say was "snow is purty." Still, it's a limiting format because, well, Facebook statuses are meant to be short, dammit! It's like twitter without all the twits twatting all the time. Sure, there's not a 120-character limit, but come on, if you're on Facebook all the time, you know what your friends' attention spans are like!
So with that thought in mind, I'm reopening my Livejournal, and fully intend to use it as a platform for voicing my thoughts once again! I considered just creating a new one.. You know, it's been several years since I last used this site regularly, and I created this thing when I was fresh out of high school, so it's riddled with drama, immaturity, broken dreams, and the reactive softness I had before I faced true pain and hardship in my life. The last time I updated this thing, the worst thing to ever happen to me was to have my heart broken by the one girl I've ever truly loved. Since then I've watched my mother die, faced legal troubles, moved across the country, and have experienced the rise and fall of a number of relationships. I've experienced true loss, true hardship, and I'm still here! I'm still soldiering on! I'm still able to smile and face the day, and these are things that, the last time I was on this site, I didn't know I was capable of surviving. It's kind of embarrassing to look back over my thoughts in those days and see just how much I cared about so much that mattered so little in the long run. Obsessing over girls and idle flights of fancy.. participating in the drama.. it's all stuff I've more or less grown out of. I now obsess over women, but don't put them on a pedestal because they're human too (and believe me, their shit stinks). I don't participate in drama unless it's brought to my doorstep, and even then I have gained the ability to defuse most dramatic situations with a few well-chosen words and a distinct air of not giving a fuck. The previous posts indicate a person who blew his money by eating out all the time. The posts from here on out will indicate a person who is annoyed with his previous self for not cooking all the time, thus saving money and ensuring that today I am a wealthy man. I am at present not a wealthy man. That's why I've gotten good at making beans.
Basically my point is this, I am vastly different from how I was, but who I was is still a part of me. For every niggling complaint I have about younger me's character, I have several more thoughts of "Man, I wish I was still like that," or "Wow, what happened to my outlook on life?" From a dramatic but overwhelming optimist who thought he was jaded to a drama-avoiding realist who is trying not to be jaded.. it's a shift, but I'm still at both ends of it. I'm leaving my old posts intact because there's some spark of spirit and life that I had back then, and I desperately want it to be rekindled. I'm not saying that I'm some old fuddy-duddy now, but there is definitely a certain je ne sais quoi I had that I've only recently been rediscovering, and if I opt to not ignore how I used to be, maybe I can get in touch with that part of myself again. It's a healing process, dammit!
So to those of you who are new to me blogging, welcome! I talk a lot more here. And to those of you who are old hands at reading my crap, welcome back! I don't think we ever lost touch completely, but I'm sure it's been difficult for the past few years, suffering from a deficiency of vitamin J. Well, brace yourself because I'm here to administer regular booster shots of awesomeness, and immunizations against the suck. And if I turn out to be mistaken and just forget about posting here again, then at least you'll have this post to keep you warm until the next time the writing bug strikes. I've been wanting a creative outlet lately, though, so I don't think you'll have to worry about me falling silent any time soon.
Until next time, crimestoppers!
- Hello world, it's been a while!